You Shouldn't Have So Many Kids

Not long ago, I had to make a trip to the grocery store. An errand like that used to be simple. Now, with three children four and under, it is anything but simple!

After I made sure the diaper bag was stocked, sippy cups were filled, and shoes and coats were on, I strapped and buckled each child in their seats and we made the 20 minute trip to town. Once there, I unbuckled each child, grabbed a cart, settled my 18 week old in the carrier against my chest and we walked into the store. I noticed plenty people staring at this semi-young woman toting three very small children into a building chocked full of food, toys, and candy where disasters were very, very possible, and I felt like a circus show.

Even more recently I endured a very offensive verbal confrontation in the store which left me rattled for hours. In the spirit of pure selfishness, I was approached by a complete stranger who stared at my kids and then said that one child is bad enough; that by having SO MANY (it's only three, y'all...hardly worthy of the Guinness Book of Records), I'm one to be pitied. How thankful I am that my little ones are too small to understand the complete lack of value our world has for their precious lives!

It's funny when I think about it. Years ago, it was completely normal for women to have five, ten, even fifteen children! And yet, here we are in a society that gawks in disgust when a young woman has three small children. More often than not, they are treated like an annoying disruption to the norm. Pro-choice seems to be only for the ones who want to kill their babies, not for those who want them.

I've blogged about the pill. I've blogged about the blessing of children and how much I love being a mom. Of course, it's exhausting. Of course, there is precious little time for many hobbies that I enjoy. Yes, there are moments when I want to pull my hair out and moments when I would love to just walk out the door without having to fill a diaper bag, load up three crazy kids, and make sure seat belts are tight, a stroller is in the back, and I have extra baby wipes should a crisis occur. But those things pale in comparison to the joy my kids bring. My little boy told me last week that I was "the good-est mom he's ever seen!" My two year old little girl regularly asks me to hold her and randomly gives me the sweetest hugs and kisses. She joins me in the bathroom each morning and brushes my hair while I'm getting ready. My baby girl greets me every single morning with the most precious baby grin and happily falls asleep in my arms every night after a feeding.

To all the nay-sayers, these little miracles with peanut butter smudged on their faces and dirt under their finger nails are eternity with skin on. They're little souls whom God has designed and each of them have a special calling upon their lives. I don't have too many kids. I have exactly what I'm meant to have; exactly what the Creator Himself has given to my husband and me. And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Sorrow, Suffering and the Shepherd

This season of our lives has been one mingled with joy and sorrow. When winter's chill was deeply settled in, it forced me to be still (wrapped up in a blanket!) and truly think about all the joy that God has poured into my life. Specifically, with our newest arrival, Lily Eden. She brought a sweet peace and happiness into our home that I never knew was lacking!

But many times, joy goes hand-in-hand with sorrow. Recently, we discovered that my Momma has breast cancer. Cancer is never something the heart takes lightly and it has rattled us and scared us to the core. But - and I can only attribute this to the promises of God - peace has abounded. I honestly can't put into words the confidence that we have had in the hope of Jesus. I know that doesn't necessarily mean she will be completely or miraculously healed. But just as I know that winds howl and waves crash, I also know that these waves are still calmed by the same Voice who rebuked them 2,000 years ago. And that brings me peace.

I've recently opened up my favorite book - Hind's Feet on High Places - to read again through this trial and one portion in particular has given me such strength and calmness of spirit. If you are unfamiliar with the book's story, it's about a young girl named Much-Afraid who longs to leave the Valley of Humiliation and join the great Shepherd on the high places. Along her journey, she encounters Pride, she escapes Craven Fear, and she endures the shores of Loneliness. The Shepherd has promised to always be just a whisper away - even when she cannot see Him at all. At the beginning of the long, hard journey, she is given two companions - Sorrow and Suffering. Here is an excerpt from the book:

"I can't go with them," she gasped. "I can't! I can't! O my Lord Shepherd, why do you do this to me? How can I travel in their company? It is more than I can bear. You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why, must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions? Couldn't you have given me Joy and Peace to go with me, to strengthen me and encourage me and help me on the difficult way? I never thought you would do this to me!" And she burst into tears. 

A strange look passed over the Shepherd's face as he listened to this outburst, then looking at the veiled figures as he spoke, he answered very gently, "Joy and Peace. Are those the companions you would choose for yourself? You remember your promise, to accept the helpers that I would give, because you believed that I would choose the very best possible guides for you. Will you still trust me, Much-Afraid? Will you go with them, or do you wish to turn back to the Valley, and to all your Fearing relatives, to Craven Fear himself? 

Much-Afraid shuddered. The choice seemed terrible. Fear she knew only too well, but Sorrow and Suffering had always seemed to her the two most terrifying things which she could encounter. How could she go with them and abandon herself to their power and control? It was impossible. Then she looked at the Shepherd and suddenly she knew she could not doubt him, could not possibly turn back from following him; that if she were unfit and unable to love anyone else in the world, yet in her trembling, miserable little heart, she did love him. Even if he asked the impossible, she could not refuse. 

She looked at him piteously, then said, "Do I wish to turn back? O Shepherd, to whom should I go? In all the world I have no one but you. Help me to follow you, even though it seems impossible. Help me to trust you as much as I long to love you." 

As he heard these words the Shepherd suddenly lifted his head and laughed - a laugh full of exultation and triumph and delight.... Then he added, "Fear not, Much-Afraid, only believe. I promise that you shall not be put to shame. Go with Sorrow and Suffering, and if you cannot welcome them now, when you come to the difficult places where you cannot manage alone, put your hands in theirs confidently and they will take you exactly where I want you to go." 

Much-Afraid stood quite still, looking up into his face, which now had such a happy, exultant look, the look of one who above all things else delights in saving and delivering...

"Others have gone this way before me," she thought., "and they could even sing about it afterwards. Will he who is so strong and gentle be less faithful and gracious to me, weak and cowardly though I am, when it is so obvious that the thing he delights in most of all is to deliver his followers from all their fears and to take them to the High Places?" 

Each time I read this, I can't help but love Jesus more. He hears my heart when I cannot speak. He's not overwhelmed by me or my fears. He's not turned off by my neediness. He doesn't get exasperated by my crying over things that are nothing more than a mosquito bite in His eyes. He's just there, gently calling me higher, even through mist, loneliness, howling storms, or my own human cripplings. 

There is so much freedom in that. So much peace.

I ask for your prayers for my family - especially my sweet Momma. The waves and winds still know the Voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Facebook, Pinterest, and the Comparison Trap

Maybe you have thought it in the moments when you're browsing through Pinterest just because you are looking for a new recipe to try out. And as you browse, you see all the "How To's" - from how to decorate the tops of your cabinets to how to have the tightest, firmest body after your second pregnancy. And you feel it. 

I'm not enough....

Maybe you have thought it while skimming Instagram and you see the pictures of that woman who just had her third child two months ago and she looks better than she ever did before! It's got to be the filter, right? Nevertheless, you feel it.

I'm not doing a good enough job...

Maybe you have said it out loud when you are scrolling through the news feed on Facebook, minding your own business, simply wanting to stay updated on your family and friends. And you read about one of your friends who's two year is reading already....and you just wrestled your three year old into a new set of underwear because he forgot he wasn't wearing a pull-up. Again. And here it comes....

I am a complete failure...

You've likely said it. Thought it. Bemoaned your failures while eating the chocolate you have hid in the laundry room. (I have!)

Last week we finally sat down and watched "Mom's Night Out" -- totally recommend, by the way! -- I laughed a lot. I nodded in agreement. And I cried, fully feeling and understanding the things this sweet mom felt.

Those of you who have seen this movie, did this portion of the movie get to you too?




Oh, I found myself in a blubbering mess after that. And I have one of those ugly cries. You know what I'm talking about....

But I felt that truth wrap its arms around me. And it felt so good.

Sometimes, because of social media and even because of certain people, we build up expectations of ourselves that are nigh impossible to attain. And we work so hard (so ridiculously, incredibly HARD!) to measure up those expectations. We run ourselves into the ground trying to please everyone, ourselves most of all, and forget that we are not called to see that our children are academically advanced at age three or that our homes look like a page out of Pottery Barn magazine. We are not called to do all we can to achieve a body that bears no marks of childbearing or to serve gourmet dinners to our husbands every single night. We are not expected to be a Pinterest wife or mom, nor should we compare ourselves with a status from someone on Facebook. Our worth and security is not found there, but only in the Person of Jesus Christ. Simply serving Him and doing the best we can with the gifts and strengths that He has given us is enough.

Where does your security lie? Is God your refuge, your hiding place, you stronghold, your shepherd, your counselor, your friend, your redeemer, your Saviour, your guide?
If He is, you don’t need to search any further for security.     
Elisabeth Elliot

So to all of you out there who find yourself logging off feeling less than victorious about your role as a wife or a momma, let that encourage you today.

To Those in Search of Greener Pastures

By the world's definition, I grew up a good girl. I was still a sinner, saved by grace, but I was what they call a goody-goody. I spent my years on one side of the fence watching people in my life straddle it, then finally jump to the other side. Some dabbled in the occult. Some turned to a homosexual lifestyle. Many had babies before husbands. A few acquired STDs. A handful left Church altogether while more than I can count waved the banner of Christianity while blatantly living in open sin.

I watched. And there was a long period where I was angry; so angry in fact that I let my anger override my passion to the point where I was overly harsh.

I don't remember the day. I just remember falling on my knees one afternoon asking God to give me a broken heart. I was tired of being angry at those who spat in the blood that saved me. I was tired of debating and trying to prove that God's way is always the best way. Being angry about it wasn't changing anything. So I didn't want it to make me angry anymore. Instead, I wanted it to break my heart into pieces. God answered that prayer. I still get angry, but just as quickly, I find myself a teary-eyed mess hurting over them rather than being outraged. You see, all we ever really need is Jesus. Just a full-fledged encounter with His holiness. *** I would love for you to truly know Him as I know Him. You can click here to find out how.

You might be dabbling in sin; rejecting the authority of Scripture; refusing to run into the open arms of Christ. If so, I want to say something to those of you on the other side of the fence:

It's not greener over there.

It's fun, no doubt. I can see that by the Instagram pictures and the Facebook posts. It's busy and full and I can tell that there is always a party going on somewhere. There's plenty of people to rally behind you no matter what decision you make. Life is about being happy. Life is about you. But friend, may I please share the truth with you? That grass isn't green.

Truthfully, it it is easy to live the way you want. No effort has to be put in doing things your way. It's easy to let your Bible collect dust on the shelf while you allow yourself to be swept away with the mentality that life is simply about finding greener pastures (instead of watering your own). You don't have to work too hard to go to one experience, one high, or one love after another. But if I may tell you the honest truth, just because it's easier doesn't mean it's going to make you happy or satisfied in any area of your life. There are no other greener pastures outside the will of God. It's only green where He is.

I'm a stubborn sheep. Honestly, I am obnoxious and loud and willfully disobedient. My Shepherd has had to use His staff numerous times to break me and bring me back into the safety of His will. And because of that, I can say with all gratefulness and satisfaction that the Lord has been good to me. He has taken care of me. I have never lacked for anything. He has blessed me with a peace I can't put into words.

Are you searching for greener pastures? Are you tired of doing things your way? Are you going from one thing to the next in order to fill that hole inside? Is it not exhausting to try and try to find rest for your heart.... to no avail?

Friend, run to Jesus; the One who offers rest and whose burden is light. Follow His footsteps, obey His voice, and friend, your grass will be green.

What God says is best, is best, though all the men in the world are against it. - John Bunyan

White As Snow

A little over a week ago, my husband and I returned from a getaway to Stowe, Vermont. I was enthralled by the quaint little town, the charming Inn where we cozied up by the fireplace, and the beautiful snow-covered mountains. My soul needed a breath of cold, quiet air. :) One afternoon, I walked down to the empty living area in front of the big bay windows. And I cried. I've seen snow before. But I'd never seen snow this beautiful. It wasn't the slushy, mud-and-grass precipitation that I'm accustomed to here in the south. This was a piercing white snowy wonderland. I watched as tiny little flakes fell down to the earth and a lump formed in my throat. It was like the Lord was whispering to me, "Quit worrying over the past. It's covered."

I love that snow falls gently. 

My spirit needs a tender touch when all is still. Far too often I let the noise of the world and the muck and mire of life steal my peace and my joy. And I suffer for it.

God speaks through everything, and I love that He chooses to work in silence as He blankets the ground with snow. There is no loud banging of thunder, no flashes of lightening, just silence as He quietly and gently covers the cold, hard ground with white. Boy, that's my story! How many times have I been too hardhearted to let Christ do a work in my life? How many times have I rebelled? Been unwilling? Mean-spirited? How many times have I refused to surrender and allow my spirit to be covered in white? Too many.

In Isaiah chapter 1, verse 18, God says, "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."

Below all that beautiful snow was wet mud, dead grass, and rough rocks. Nothing that would elicit a gasp of awe from me. But as I looked at the beautiful picture in front of my eyes, I couldn't see any of the less-than-pretty things because it was all covered in sparkling white, powdery snow. A pretty good picture of my human nature and selfish tendencies all washed away by the fresh touch of Jesus Christ.  I hope I never forget that...

There are days when the enemy attacks and steals my joy. There are moments when he viciously reminds me of all the mistakes I have made in my life, big and small. So today, if you are feeling assaulted by Satan, or if you are ready to be made white as snow, take joy in knowing that we have a God who delights in quieting us with His love, and rejoices in covering us with His blood. There is peace and there is life in walking in the snowy-white path of His forgiveness and holiness.

 

Blessings. Have We Got It All Wrong?

Since the building of our home, people have said things like...

"Oh, you're so blessed!"

"What a great blessing!"

"Wow, God has blessed you so much!"

And it's true. The home is a blessing and one, no doubt, given by God. My car is a blessing. Having enough food is a blessing. Our two healthy children is a blessing. Sometimes I sit and want to cry because I know we don't deserve such good gifts like this, yet God saw fit to give them to us anyway. It's incredibly humbling. 

But I've had this one permeating thought for weeks now: Have we got it all wrong?

People mean well when they say what they do, but I can't help but wonder if we have the term "blessings" and its definition completely backwards.

See, I grew up in a drafty 100-year-old farm house that occasionally leaked and wasn't fully insulated. I remember cold winter mornings when we huddled by the fire that my parents had gotten up early to build. When I was small, I remember being told "no" to various toys and candy in the stores, not just because my parents didn't want me to be spoiled, but simply because they couldn't afford to splurge on a $2 bag of assorted chocolate. My most memorable Christmas as a child was when my only gifts were a set of two remote-controlled race cars and a jumbo pack of my favorite juice. You know what, though? It was a blessing. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. I still remember my Dad and I sipping juice on the living room floor as we raced our cars. They raised us in a home that may have been cold in the winter and hot in the summer, but it was a home full of love, laughter, and Jesus. And that makes them the richest people I know.

Things like that....the lack of things, I mean.... they are blessings.

Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing the matter with having a comfortable home or being able to pay your bills. That's not what I'm saying. I'm simply asking the question, do we have it all wrong?

What about those who don't drive new cars?  

What about the families who have more than one child with some sort of disability? 

Those who seriously struggle to pay their bills?

The people who are suffering with constant or life-threatening health issues?

What about that? Are they "less blessed" than others? 

In my opinion, sometimes it is those very people who are far richer in ways that count. It's good to be blessed with difficulty. And isn't it FIRE that refines? Isn't it heat that melts and makes soft and enables something to be molded? I'm not saying everybody should try and be sick or poor, because Scripture proves that God uses all things and all circumstances. He uses the poor, the rich, the sick, the healthy, even the dead! I'm simply saying that I believe everything is a blessing, not just the easy or the pretty things.

One of my friends and I were chatting about this recently and she said, "The heavenly blessings are often more through the fire, but THEY are the ones that are refined to gold. Yet somehow we fail to mention or recognize them most of the time."

So true. 

I am deeply grateful to God for the blessing of a new home. But I also know that whatever He gives is not mine. It's His and should be used for His work. Along with that, I am also grateful to God for each and every physically uncomfortable circumstance because it reminds me not to set my affections on things here on earth or to place my treasure on material niceties, but to point myself to my home where Jesus is. If all was taken away, His name is still to be blessed and praised.  

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Top 10 Posts of 2013

Here are the blog's top 10 most-read posts of the year!

1. Things You Shouldn't Say to a Single Girl

2. Is It Ever Okay to be Immodest?

3. Staying Pure While You're in a Relationship

4. My Guidelines For Shopping for Modest Clothes

5. Don't Show My Son That

6. Postpartum Depression:
Encouragement for the Weary, Christian Momma

7. When Men of God Pass Away

8. Pregnancy Made My Body Better

9. Smile at Your Husband

10. Christians and Halloween

Enjoying Christmas Through the Chaos

I'm sitting here, coffee in hand, basking in the stillness of naptime. :) I'm looking around at the twinkling lights on the tree and all of the ornaments hanging from it. Our first Christmas ornament with our wedding picture hangs in the center. And now we have TWO "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornaments on our tree! We have some that go back to when my husband and I were little that our families have given us. And there are new ones that are already so meaningful to me - even after only four short years.

There are presents wrapped under the tree. Special gifts for all the ones I love so, so, so very much.

Nathan and I have read from his "Countdown to Christmas" book and we have marked out today's date on the advent calendar.

Selah has been walking around in her cute little "my first Christmas" onesie and, I daresay, I don't think I've seen anything more adorable.

There is a candle burning and I have cookies in the oven for tonight's desert.

My precious little ones. I think they get cuter every day.

There is always so much going on during the holidays. Shopping, Christmas concerts, Christmas plays, Church events, office parties, baking, family gatherings... a lot of chaos can be found this time of year. And a lot of stress. This past month has definitely been full and busy. I'm actually kind of sad that one week from tomorrow it will all be over.

That's why I'm writing this. That's why I have stopped what I'm doing, I have sat down, and I'm just enjoying the moment. You've got to do that, you know? Sometimes it's good to tune it all out, say "No" to some of the things that pull you and just simplify. Just hold your little world tight and cherish it. Otherwise, if you're like me, you lose yourself in the goings and comings of all the festivities surrounding Christmas Day.

So stop.

Light a candle.

Sit down.

And enjoy.

It's Christmas. :) Have a merry one!

Dealing With Loneliness in Motherhood

Not a day goes by that I don't check my email, scroll through Facebook, and check the latest photos via Instagram. I like to stay up-to-date and somewhat connected to those I love. It's funny when I think back to my first email account - from Juno.com - and remember fighting over how long the phone line would be tied up. Now we literally have everything at our fingertips. Instant oatmeal, instant coffee, texting, Facetime, a ready-in-five-minutes dinner, it's all offered up to us with the touch and the swipe of a finger. No doubt, we should be completely content, right? But did you know that even with all the technology and instantaneous apps and gadgets, today's generation is apparently the loneliest one ever? I believe it, I really do. And motherhood made me see it.

Keeping little people alive Caring for and nurturing children is hard work. And I'm here to tell you that it can get lonely, even with Facebook at the touch of your finger.

At the end of a long day full of laundry, cleaning crumbs and spit up, baths, stories, kissing boo-boo's, breaking up toddler and baby spats, and teaching the most basic things (please don't spit on the couch, you always chew up your food before trying to swallow, you aren't supposed to change sisters' diaper, we only go outside with clothes on!), I often wind down by going through all the social media. It makes me feel like I'm involved in the lives of my family and friends. Seeing comments on my posts makes me feel like they want to be involved in MY life. In that moment, we are ever so close....right? Nah, no. Not really. Social media makes us feel connected but in truth, it actually leaves us really lonely. See the problem is, we are surface people. We hide behind cropped pictures, edited comments, and a very helpful spell check (although auto correct gives me fits on a daily basis!) You may think you know me by my Facebook posts and my Instagram pictures and from all my writings on this blog and previous ones. But the truth is, you see what I let you see. You know what I have given you permission to know. And the sad truth is that that is the very reason why we get lonely. We are connecting, instead of forming real relationships.

After two and a half years of motherhood, I can say with certainty that it has been the most joyous, exhausting, fun, and rewarding, and yet loneliest times of my life. It's not as easy as you think and it's not always so simple to "go out with the girls" or have a date night with your husband. I mean when you leave your child(ren), you have to make sure the babysitter knows the routine and what to expect. Selah goes to bed at 7:30, Nathan at 8:00. Nathan likes stories beforehand, and Selah always wants her bottle and her paci. If Selah cries for no apparent reason, make sure she is clean because she can't stand to be in a soiled diaper. Nathan hates vegetables, but if you use chocolate wisely, you can get him to eat. If you go out with the child(ren), you have to be prepared. Naptime is at ___, so that leaves me X-amount of time go here, here, and here. Do I have enough diapers? Is the wipes container full? Extra set of clothes for the baby. Bottle. Sippy cup. Snacks. Will we be gone during lunch? If you are going to someone else's house or meeting friends for dinner and you have the kids with you, you might tend to worry about 2-year-old tantrums, baby exhaustion, and for all the world to suddenly crumble in the eyes of your 9 month old while you're seated in a very public place. 

....or maybe that's just me.

Regardless, sometimes it's just easier to stay home. 

I wouldn't trade motherhood for anything in the world. This post isn't for those mothers who want to dump their kids off on someone else to go relive their teenage years. This post is a gentle hug from me to a lonely mommy. Because I get you. I understand. And here's what I think we should do.

If this post was for you, then listen up. As extremely daunting as it may appear, try to initiate a real friendship. I know you're exhausted, but try. Call up someone and invite them over. Bring the kids and just enjoy the chaos. It's not about having things calm and under control, it's about community. Psalms 133:1 says, "Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity." We would all be better off and a lot less lonely if we embraced the fellowship of our fellow brothers and sisters instead of being afraid of showing how much we don't know. 

And for all you other mamma's, come on! You've been there. Reach out to the tired and lonely new mothers. Yeah sure, they may appear to have it all together, but they don't, because you didn't have it all together when you were in their shoes. Invite them over to your house. Go to their house so they won't have to lug everything and everyone around. Pass down some wisdom. Encourage them. Bring them a meal. Be warm and welcoming. Do something to bless her because motherhood is hard, especially during the little years. 

Oh and by the way, I am so thankful that Jesus digs beneath my surface and knows all the deep corners of my heart. When things get lonely in my world, it is comforting to know that I can always run to Him and find a comfort that goes beyond what I can touch. Isn't that wonderful? :)

 

God Never Changes

Saturday, I took the kids out for a walk. We gathered pine cones and I tried to explain to Nathan why the leaves are red, orange, and yellow. I dearly love Autumn.

Every year, when I see the leaves turn beautiful colors and I feel the cool air, I think about change.

Change has never been my favorite thing. I don't like my world being turned upside down. I have never liked it when the path I'm happily walking along suddenly makes a sharp right turn. It makes me uncomfortable and nervous. I actually try to avoid change at all costs.

But this year I am beginning to not only understand why things change, I think I'm starting to like it. And here's why.

It makes me run to Somebody who never changes.

Jesus. :)

One of my favorite verses is Malachi 3:6 where God makes a resounding statement and says, "For I am the LORD; I change not...."

Does that flood your heart with peace?! It does me.

Because everything else changes. If you are a woman reading this, you know what I'm sayin'! I'm sure you have experienced a myriad of crazy emotions since your alarm went off this morning. My world has changed a lot in the past five years. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. The place where I grew up looks different now than when I was a child. My parents look different. My sisters are growing up. My children change every single day! The seasons change and I am changing right along with it. And although it freaks me out, I know that change and growth is a good thing. Just like the leaves turn, die, and fall to the ground, they do it because something new is on the way. And in a few months, we will see beautiful, luscious, green life everywhere! It's the same with us.

Today I am resting in the knowledge that in the midst of all the crazy and chaotic hustle and bustle of life, there is a place of quiet stillness that never changes. There's security in that. I'm thankful for an unchanging God, aren't you?

Postpartum Depression: Encouragement for the Weary, Christian Momma || part 2

....continued from part 1

I was not the type of person who needed to be on anti-depressants. In the back of my mind, I had always viewed postpartum depression as a weakness and some sort of cop-out. I mean, Come on, woman! Grow up and get a'hold of yourself!

Now I know that isn't so.

I've read that the "Baby Blue's" affects up to 80% of new moms. After my first baby, I experienced the blue's, but after a week or two, those feelings subsided and I adjusted to motherhood with a sort of ease. But this....this was different. I couldn't think clearly. Everything seemed stressful and overwhelming, I was easily hurt, and I literally felt like the smallest problem was devastating. I now understand that PPD is a very real struggle. Some women may abuse it or use it as an excuse, but others - like me - really experience the desperation and the pain.

Being put on an anti-depressant - even a mild one - brought me to a new place. I was ashamed of my weakness and embarrassed by....I don't know....my lack of control? My emotions? My humanity?

I remember one afternoon, in a rare quiet moment when both of the kids were napping, I sat down and thought, "Why God? There must be a purpose. There has to be something greater going on that I don't see just yet. Help me to walk through this with grace...and golly, help me learn something - anything - from it!"

If you're anything like me - and have a lot of stubbornness in you - sometimes you just have to get to a place where you are completely humbled so you can feel the Lord in a way you never have before. I had been trying so hard to have it all together and I realized that I had stopped relying on the Lord's strength. Going through the motions is easy when you know all the right things to do and say. But going through the motions doesn't teach you anything. Crying out to God when you are desperate, out of fuel, and out-of-your-mind-tired will teach you a thing or two!

If the Lord blesses us with more children in the future, I may struggle again. But now I have a better understanding of my Lord, who offers "power to the faint," "grace to the humble," and "strength in weakness."

So if you are weary, may I encourage you?

Don't be ashamed. It's a knock to your pride to admit that you don't have it together and that you need help. Goodness knows my hands were shaking as I sent this out into cyberspace for all the world to see. But hey, it's OKAY. Sometimes it takes desperation to give us an added "oomph." For me, I believe it took a good slap to my pride for the Lord to show me how strong and oh, how GOOD He is. If you need help, get help. The Lord uses all kinds of things to help His children. Don't be humiliated or feel guilty because of it. We all have weaknesses and we all need each other.

Don't let your pride rule. You see, I didn't tell anyone. My husband knew, but that was it. Nobody knew how helpless I felt, or how exhausted - inwardly and physically - I was. I'm not sure exactly why I didn't want to tell other people, but I know it was crazy to just smile and pretend all was well. I lied. It wasn't well. And I wasn't okay. I should have sought out some wisdom and support from other mothers but I honestly didn't want to bother anyone. And I did not know what I would get in return. But I should have put myself out there to be helped. I wasn't trying to be a tough girl, I suppose I just simply didn't want to talk about it. Maybe I didn't want pity or a firm reprimand of how I should be acting. Regardless, I should have swallowed my pride and embraced the fellowship and the purpose of the Church.

Don't tell yourself that you can do it all. Because you can't. I can't. I don't care how put together "that mom" looks, or how "that new mom" seems to have her energy and her figure back, don't compete!! It's not healthy and "that woman" doesn't have it all together either. Let me encourage you to just go ahead and plan to take the first few months after delivery to simply survive. It's going to be hard. Life completely shifts. Middle of the night feedings. Maybe colic or around-the-clock crying like I had. Juggling housework, meals, bills, maybe older kiddos, all while dreaming of showers, naps, and a nice foot rub. Just take it easy. Don't beat yourself up if you are pretty much planted on the couch for 19 hours a day nursing like mad. Don't feel like a failure if you cannot nurse your wee one no matter how hard you try. Do not let your mind drive you to insanity over the dirty dishes, the stack of laundry, or the crushed Cheerio's all over the carpet. Shut yourself in with your little family and try to cherish the greasy, unwashed hair and the sticky floors. It won't last forever. If there's a next time for me, I'm really going to try to not have such high expectations of myself.

Don't get angry. Because I was. I couldn't understand why, when I was doing all I knew to do, things were not getting easier. The Bible told me to ask and it shall be given. I asked. I begged. I cried. And nothing happened. And it made me mad when I didn't see any results. I would cry, "Lord, You know how I am when I am completely exhausted and spent! So why won't You allow this to lighten up so I can be happy and be someone people want to be around?" If I had shut my mouth for long enough, I probably would have heard Him tell me to cool it and let Him teach me some stuff. Like, "How about YOU change and let My power and My peace work in you? How about letting Me help you overcome with acceptance and joy?" Next time, I am going to try harder to just simply listen. I encourage you to do that too. We don't know how He works, but rest assured the lesson will be amazing every time if we simply pay attention.

Each and every one of us walk through deep valleys. Maybe it's grief. Or anger. Or maybe, like me, it is a darkness of the mind. No matter what it is, the Lord is always at work to bring us higher and closer to His heart. I still have days when I feel overwhelmed.... but that's just a part of life. And life isn't ever going to get any easier. Living with JOY is a matter of choice. Our choice. In fact, that's why I re-named this blog "Where JOY Is," because no matter where I am in my life, JOY is found in the same place. Every time. :)

Are you struggling with postpartum depression? Let me offer you a hug. I have been in that darkness too, even while holding my kiddos tight and smelling that sweet baby smell. Just hang on, okay? Because our Jesus truly works all things - ALL THINGS - together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

So rest in that, friend. 

Rest in His arms and let Him comfort and strengthen you.
'Cause He will do it.
He really will.

Isaiah 40:28-31
"Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

Postpartum Depression: Encouragement for the Weary, Christian Momma || part 1

This post has been sitting in my Drafts for months. I just did not know when I would be ready to let it go out into the world. I guess today is the day. There have been so many times when I have clicked "Publish" on a blog post where I have shared a glimpse into my personal life, but I have never truly dug down and exposed the dark corners of my heart.

I am going to do that now.

We all go through rough patches and hard times. That's just how it is living in a fallen world. We hurt. We grieve. We fall. We learn. And I believe the Lord wants us to use our struggles and our weaknesses to offer encouragement to others. I'm not talking about airing out our dirty laundry or exposing our whole life so that we can "be real." I'm simply saying that we should let go of our pride and be honest in our humanity. We don't have it all together yet we feel the pressure to hide behind a smile that says "all is well" when in reality all feels wrong! By doing that, I really think we miss out on blessings and great opportunities to help another person who is going through what we have gone through ourselves. So I'm going to share with you a very real struggle I experienced and I pray with all my heart that if you are or ever will be in these shoes, that you can find joy and rest and an encouraging hug from this post.

Now I do not know that much about clinical "postpartum depression." But I do know a bit of what depression feels like.

It feels exhausting. 

It feels overwhelming. 

...and you feel desperate.

I wasn't expecting it. It hit me hard. And after a month of a crying little baby girl, I was weary. Now, I know all babies cry. When I would mention my screaming baby many people, including one doctor, basically told me that crying is what babies do. I would nod my head and give a small smile, but inwardly I was thinking, "You just don't understand!" I already had one baby. I know babies cry. (I'm sorry but, duh, right?)

I remember one evening when my husband came home from work, I all but shoved her into his hands and said something like, "Take her. Please take her. I can't do it anymore."

I was that overwhelmed. There was no question of my love, but knowing that everything - her happiness, her health, her environment - was my responsibility and yet nothing appeared to make her content, built a mountain that I just couldn't see me getting over.

A car ride often helped soothe her to sleep so I regularly took drives, disguised as milkshake runs for my little boy. I would drive and pray the whole time for God to keep me awake. At home, sometimes I even found myself wishing I could just fall asleep and never wake up.

I was that exhausted. Weary. Just bone-tired with a fatigue I had never experienced and couldn't put into words. It just engulfed me.

This picture was taken on Easter Sunday. I remember that day well.
I was so tired and so very stressed out. I spent the morning service
pacing the halls with Selah.

After three months of trying every helpful tip and "remedy," feeling helpless and at a total loss as to what to do, we finally put Selah on a Soy based formula. And she was better.

I, however, was not. 

Oh, I was thankful that the incessant crying had stopped, but I felt like a complete failure. See, I couldn't nurse my first child. Now, after working so hard to give my second baby milk, I couldn't nurse her either. I thought this was supposed to be a natural thing! Why did I have to have so much trouble? I felt ashamed.

Then we moved. In the midst of all the chaos, I was packing up our cozy little home. While our house was being built, we moved in with my husband's family. I was so humbled by my in-laws as I watched them shift to take in their son, their daughter-in-law, and two small children. They went out of their way to make it easy for us and as much like home as possible. I was thankful. I still am. But the change played a roll in my emotions. At first, I wasn't sure how to go about my day. We had a routine before. Now I was at a loss as to how to live and the change made me feel insecure.

I hid it pretty well. I brushed off any inquiry by saying, "Oh you know, a new baby is hard work." I'm not sure what happened to make me realize that I was at a breaking point. I just remember that I was tired of being so very tired. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had such a blessed and beautiful life.

Why did I just want to sleep? 

Why did I dread waking up in the morning? 

Why did the smallest task seem totally overwhelming?

I did the things I knew I needed to do. I read my Bible. I listened to worship music. I thanked God for the blessing of having another baby. But it was like I was caught in a fog. I would try to write, but my thoughts were so jumbled and my mind was such a mess that I couldn't write more than a few small sentences. I was frustrated. I cried a lot. My husband would make me laugh only to see me acting like I had lost my best friend five minutes later.

Finally I had enough. This wasn't me! So I broke down and did something I thought I would never do. I called my OB/GYN and told her what I was experiencing. I actually cried on the phone with her, people! (if you know me, you know that is completely out of character.) After a gentle conversation, she put me on a mild anti-depressant. Let me tell you, I felt humiliated. Here I was - a strong, happy, Christian woman. I was not the type of person who needed to be on anti-depressants.

continue reading pt 2....

God Has Not Forgotten You

Home from Wednesday night youth meeting, she walked into her room, tossed her purse and Bible on her desk, then dropped to her bed. With a tired sigh that went beyond physical fatigue, she just sat there silently, lost in thought.

Another night with Church friends who were more like acquaintances....

Another night having to ignore the silly giggling from "that couple"....

Another night of being given scowls and glares when she spoke of anything remotely concerning set-apartness....

With a pounding headache and an aching heart, she sat there, silently, wondering what she should do. Nobody wanted to live differently. Nobody really even liked her. Oh they liked parts of her, I suppose, but nobody truly wanted to be her friend....and she knew why. She was different. She believed different things.... like love being worth waiting for; like purity being something to prize and protect. She dressed in a different way.... no miniskirts or plunging, low necklines. She acted differently too. She didn't shameless flirt with the guys around her. She didn't let out the cute little giggle when a guy made eyes at her. She didn't bat her long eyelashes their way or sway as she walked pass them. She was far different from those around her and, though she was proud of that fact, the frustration of being utterly alone in her pursuit of "different living" was beginning to weigh on her.

"Lord," she prayed. "Have you forgotten about me?"

With tears in her eyes, she looked down at her bedspread. "God....were you watching tonight? Did You see? Did You hear? Father, I know I have chosen the right path and the right way, so why am I hurting right now?? Why am I lonely tonight when they are not? God, are You still there??"

I remember that night. Actually, I remember many nights exactly like that. Sadly, in my pursuit of purity, I had no support system outside of my parents. If it hadn't been for them, I would have probably been driven to lowering my standards. But oh, how I wanted to be different! I wanted to be truly set-apart. Because of the fact that practically everyone my age thought I was crazy in that area of my life, there was no one to encourage me to hang in there other than my mom and dad. At that time, I was having so many attacks from friends, Church people, and even family members who thought that my way of living was unrealistic, outdated, lame, a form of abuse from my parents, and the like.

It hurt.

I remember that night as I sat on my bed, trying to keep tears from pouring down my face. I felt
lonely that night. I felt forgotten by God. And it was then that He gave me these words:

Come back to me.

In moments of doubt and frustration and loneliness, instead of wallowing in self-pity, what we SHOULD do is run back into the comforting arms of the Lord. His strength is made perfect in weakness. When we stray a bit from Him, we begin to feel its effects. We grow stale in our faith. We begin to doubt. We get lonely. We even wonder, as I did, if God has forgotten all about us. After that night, I tried to take those moments of loneliness as a call from my Father to come back to Him. HE never leaves. We do the leaving. We do the straying. And though WE may forget the many promises that He has made, He never forgets.

When we hurt, He feels that hurt and longs for us to allow Him to comfort us.

When we are lonely, He aches with us, yearning to wrap us up in His arms.

When we are tired of waiting, He is there, ready to sustain us with His strength.

In your pursuit of purity and in your season of waiting, I want to encourage you to, as Mary Slessor once said, keep close to Jesus. Do not stray from His presence. In those moments of loneliness, please remember that God has not forgotten you, nor will He. He sees far beyond what we see and is scripting a beautiful love story for you. All you have to do is give Him the pen and trust Him.

Originally posted at The King's Bride

Dear Single Sisters

Dear Single Sisters,

It is morning and the house is quiet; something very rare with two little ones who love to make noise! The sun is pouring through the windows and I can hear the birds sing their happy morning song. It's a beautiful day.

For some unknown reason, I am thinking of you.

Yes you.

You are sitting at your computer/laptop or scrolling down through your smartphone or iPad. I don't know you. I don't know what you go through in your day-to-day life; your ups and your downs. I do not know your life's ambitions and I don't know the deepest desires of your heart. But I can guess that you desire love. You desire a knight in shining armor. You long for a "happily ever after" kind of love story. After all, that is how our God created us. 

Sister, what can I possibly say to you that would accurately describe how big our God is? It amazes me that when I was 18 years old, single, and wondering if I would ever find true love, God was orchestrating a beautiful story up ahead of me. And I had no idea! When I met my husband-to-be when I was 21 years old, little did I know that my Lord was smiling down, knowing that I wouldn't catch on to His master plan until over a year later!.God is much bigger than our minds can possibly fathom. I know you may be sitting there wondering if He has forgotten you or if He really cares about your relationship status. Maybe you are even skeptical. I assure you that He has not forgotten you, and I can testify that He does care, even about the most minute details of your life. That's the kind of God He is. I used to wonder the same things you may have wondered about. I wanted a noble Knight to charge into my life and win my heart. I wanted a fairytale story and I wanted a love worth waiting for. I wondered if I would actually get what I dreamed and prayed for. I doubted God's faithfulness, but He proved me wrong!

How can I encourage you to wait on the Lord? 

We live in an "instant" world. We have microwavable dinners, instant messages, and everything NOW! And each year, it seems like things get quicker and faster. Day by day, it gets easier and easier to become impatient and discontent. In relationships, it is no different. I remember when I made the choice not to date. I had gotten a glimpse of something big and beautiful. I pictured my wedding day and my wedding night and the more I dwelt on it, then more I wanted to be able to stand before my groom and give him everything. No leftovers. No past history. No baggage. No comparisons. Was it easy to wait? No, it wasn't. But was it worth it on my wedding day? YES, it was!

My sisters, if I could say two things to you I would say:

1. Wait on our God. If you are playing the dating game, ditch the boyfriend until the Author of Love sends you HIS choice. Do not take the writing pen into your hands, but let our Lord script your story. HE writes only the best love stories! Let Him have control. The Bible says that our hearts are deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9) and to guard it closely (Proverbs 4:23). Do not give pieces of your heart and body away. Do not throw around "I love You's" because each time you do, it becomes less meaningful to your future husband. Dear friends, I cannot stress the magnitude of the beauty that comes with waiting. It is worth every sacrifice, every tear of loneliness, every dateless night, and every moment you spend patiently waiting on the Lord. Do not doubt His faithfulness. Please, wait. And while you are waiting.....
        
2. Fall in love with Jesus. As you sit patiently and wait for your earthly prince to come and carry you away into the sunset (it still happens, believe you me!), fall more in love with your heavenly Prince, Jesus Christ. As you draw nearer to His heart, He will comfort you, strengthen you, and fill your life with joy and contentment....and the waiting won't be much of a big a deal anymore, because you will be totally taken up with Christ. The Bible says that the Lord will give each of us the desires of our hearts IF we delight in Him (Psalm 37:4-5). I encourage you to do so. Learn more about who He is and what He has done and will do. Read His love letter to you. Talk with Him. Lean on Him. Run to Him. Adore Him. The more your mind and heart is captured by Jesus, the more beautiful your earthly love story will be. And rest assured that no sneaky prince-wanna-be will be able to deceive you if you are completely focused on Him. Instead, the noble man of God that the Lord has in store for you will not only be captivated by your relationship with Jesus, he will lead you even closer to Christ! Sisters, please do away with distractions and petty come-and-go things. Fall into the arms of our ever-faithful, constant Companion and Champion, Jesus. You will never regret it.

What more can I say? The choice is yours, but I pray fervently that each of you will catch a glimpse of the glorious love story our God has for you.....and then serve your faithful King as you wait. It is worth it....and He is faithful.

Love,
    your sister

Pregnancy Made My Body Better

I am going to say something that is just as shocking for me to write as it is for you to read.

I think pregnancy made my body better.

Hold up, you say. Does pregnancy not completely ruin your body??

Sometimes Most of the time, it seems that way. Let's be real. The stretch marks are not attractive. The extra flab after delivery is not something you were thinking about when you were decorating the nursery. I was a size 4 when I became pregnant with our son three years ago. Now, after two children? I am a size 8 that can sometimes squeeze myself into a 6 if I starve myself for, like....a few weeks. I'm not going to play with you; that is hard for me.

But I still think pregnancy made my body better.

I know you are probably curious. And I am not writing this lightly. No doubt, I will have to come back to this post many times and re-read to remind myself that, YES, my body is better now.

I understand that some women go through pregnancy and childbirth and come out looking the same as always, if not better. Some women lose all the baby weight - plus some! - within a month of giving birth. Some seem to have their tight stomach and abs back before other mommy's (like, ahem, me) are discharged from the hospital. If you are one of those of women who show zero signs of a pregnancy, this post may not be for you. It is for my fellow "bearers" - the mothers who bear with the aches, the flabby skin, the loss of hair, the disproportioned body, and the occasional feelings of complete and utter self-disgust.

This is for you.

My body is not what you would see gracing the covers of magazines or gliding down red carpets. But it is the body that has bourn two children. You may be like me and have avoided the mirror. You may have had a hard time letting your husband look at you again. You may have wondered again and again why the whole process of bringing forth life has to be so....ugly.

It's for a bigger purpose.

My stretch marks may not be what is considered beautiful by today's standards. But they remind me of the scars Jesus took upon His body to redeem me from sin.

My extra skin that isn't as tight and toned as it used to be may not seem that appealing when I look in the mirror. But it does make me remember that the Lord looks at my heart - not my outward appearance.

Those few pounds that I just.can't.seem.to.lose may frustrate me and make me feel completely unattractive. But they serve to overwhelmingly bless me when my husband takes me into his arms and tells me I'm beautiful.

We need some perspective, girls. And we need some joy. God gave us children - a heritage - whom He calls a blessing. What price can you put on a reward from the Lord??

When I look - I mean really look! - at these little faces, the stretch marks, the extra few pounds, and my size 8 jeans don't bother me anymore. These little munchkins that wreaked havoc on my physical body have brought me closer to Jesus. They have shown me my spiritual appearance and have made me fall at the feet of Christ time and time again. From the very first kick in utero, to the midnight crying and daytime tantrums, they have given me a glimpse of the depth of God's love. They are worth every bit of labor pains and weight gain. If healthy eating habits and exercise don't quite get me back to my pre-pregnancy body, it's okay.

It's okay.

Because I have a husband that loves me more now than the day we were married. I have two adorable and completely squeezable children whom I love to bits!

And I have a Creator who made me to be exactly what I am.

So yeah, pregnancy made my body better. I'm a woman who has been given the honor of being a wife and mommy, and who has learned more of Jesus and His glory through my human imperfections.

It's better that way.

Proverbs 31:30
"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised."